Can Friendship Be a Liability?

Recently, I was asked by a friend of my brother’s to play the piano at her wedding reception, several hundred miles north of where I live. This woman was the bride, as well as the party planner, so I replied to her with an approach that I felt was appropriate; one that was professional.  Being that I had only known this person casually (through my brother) I didn’t even know if she had brothers or sisters or if her mom and dad were still married, or even alive?  Get this; I didn’t even know that my brother had introduced her to her fiancé! We had been in each others company a few times.  Mostly those times were during tragic moments; at my moms funeral and then at another funeral of a mutual friend. She had been to see us perform a couple of times, but even then, it was only a brief encounter of “you were great” and “thank you for coming” idol pleasantries.  I had never dined with her, nor had we ever spoken on the phone (that I recall).  The few conversations we had were enjoyable enough for me to know that we could certainly engage in a friendship of our own, if the winds of fate took us there.  Well, I guess the winds of fate took us there…but they didn’t inform me.  What perfect timing for her. 

Since I am a professional musician, I charge a fee for my services. Not unlike the Baker, the Couture, the Rabbi or the Priest, the Chef, the Bartender, the wait staff…etc. a service is offered, a payment is rewarded.  It is always my practice to reduce my rate (drastically) when it is for a friend of my brother’s.  That way, when my friends’ need a great singer for something…he’ll reciprocate the favor!  I explained to the bride, that I was more than happy to offer her my services for a special fee because she is a friend of my brother’s. While there were no numbers ever mentioned, I did explain that I was sure she’d be happy with that rate.  I’m sensing you already know where this is going.  Well, it arrived.  I immediately received an email from the bride to be.  She was under the impression that she and I were friends as well, and that she had planned to take care of my travel and lodging and basically, that should be enough for any friend to do.

Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I had graduated to “friend” with this person (someone whose middle name I didn’t even know or if she had even been married before). Clearly, there were feelings disrupted…probably on both of our parts.  Although the icing on that wedding cake came when she informed me that my invite was essentially to accompany my brother who had already agreed to sing a song at her wedding.  I merely replied, “If that’s why I was being invited to your wedding, than I guess true intentions have defined our relationship!” After all, I never did receive one of those fancy wedding invites with white lace and promises!!! Nonetheless, I think the next time this person decides to foster a friendship she may wish to pick up the phone and call to say hello every now and again, or at the very least, share her middle name?

This idea of “friendship” really got me to thinking.  What then, is a friend?  What is an acquaintance? Are they different? Is it like flying First Class and Coach? Or is the separation of Friendship and Acquaintance more like First and Business (sometimes there is very little difference at all). The answer depends on whom your asking, I would suppose.

Webster defines a friend like this:   

  

¹friend

Pronunciation: \frend\

Function: noun

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion

I found Webster's definition to be quite fascinating, actually. How ironic (for me) that it uses the word “acquaintance” in the definition! Maybe the bride had looked this up prior to her email to me? She’s pretty darn thorough, if that was the case.

Like most powerful words, their meanings are subjective and they are largely based on who you’re asking.  For me, a friend is that person who will unceremoniously awaken “the me within" when I’m covering it up with layers of stuff that I am not! A friend will not only protect who I am, but they will do it without judgment, and they will do it with love and understanding and they will do it justly.  During those moments when I need to be heard, a friend will listen, but more importantly, they will hear...they will hear more than the words I’ve spoken.  That’s a friend to me. Someone who is present in their absence. That's a friend to me.  If I can not be all of that and much more to someone else, then I am not a friend to them.  Having a criteria with anything less, is short changing what every human being is entitled to embrace with friendship.  Don’t call me a friend if you don’t even know the most basic ingredients in my recipe! Get to know me…let me get to know you…let’s walk or wheel our way through this journey together on one common ground…that which enriches this experience we call life.  If we can accomplish that together, then sharing a slice of cake (in this case a wedding cake) will be that much more tasty!

What is a friend to you? 

Are You Charging For That Room In Your Brain?

Every now and again, a cluster of words will hit me like a lead balloon. I'm usually riveted in the aftermath...at least enough to be inspired. That's pretty much how I end up writing songs. Earlier this evening I was reading a blog by Roger Ebert and in it he was discussing the recent cover story Esquire magazine did on him. It featured a blown up photo of his distorted face (due to a surgical procedure that removed his jaw). He was very candid about his condition, but mostly he was awakening anyone who read the Esquire piece, to the fact that he was, in fact, very much alive! He also spoke of some harsh words he had Tweeted about Rush Limbaugh when Limbaugh was in the hospital (which he wasn't regretting), and that his wife had said to him, "Did you really have to write all those Tweets about Rush Limbaugh? He's a sick man. What if people had written about you that way when you were in the hospital?"  Ebert replied, "That would be their right. Besides, he (Limbaugh) said he was fine."  His wife then replied, "And you wouldn't care what they said about you?" This is when the lead balloons fell.  Ebert poignantly noted, "Resentment is allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head!" Wow! I had to really stop and re-read that a few times...just so it would seep in enough for me to remember.  To remember when I'm allowing more than a few rooms to be rented free! I guess the same can be said about other "wasted emotions" like guilt and envy (is envy even an emotion?) So the next time someone does something that really pisses me off, I'm going to think about being the savvy Landlord that I know I can be!!

The R Word

Once again, a diatribe on the use of (ironically) politically incorrect words has been directed towards Pennsylvania Avenue. Allegedly, feisty White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel has done the unthinkable: he used the word Retarded as an adjective, but to make matters worse, he prefaced it with an expletive! A couple of weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal reported the blasphemy in an article stating that, “upon learning that liberal special-interest groups were planning to run ads against conservative Democrats not supportive of health care reform, (Emanuel) blasted the plan as "f------ retarded!"

C’mon Rahm, you know better than that. That’s something you learn in “No-No’s 101”! Perhaps you were caught with your guard down, not unlike former Senator Larry Craig (although he was caught with more than his guard down)…you know, because it was behind closed doors!

Thankfully, the head of Special Olympics, Tim Shriver, accepted your apology. Tim works tirelessly to eradicate the misuse of “the R word” so that the millions of decent human beings who receive the brunt of this egregious faux pas can walk through the trenches of a cynical society with pride and with dignity. While I remain a fervent supporter of the Special Olympics, as well as a myriad of other groups that are supportive of intellectual and physical disabilities, I am also well aware that just because a word is uttered, doesn’t necessarily signify intolerance or support of inappropriate behavior. The problem with this kind of publicity, is that it offers up a hearty serving for those hungry pundits and hockey moms! Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin (via the auspices of her Facebook page) called on President Obama to fire Emanuel for what she saw as “the equivalent of the ‘N’ word!” Palin, whose son Trig is afflicted with Down Syndrome, has every right to be upset over this blurb, but to compare it to the “N” word is almost an insult to the group that word disparages.

The “N” word is laden with generations of horrific implications that we may never fully understand in the modern world. Yes, I get the comparison…but it’s about as over the top as “I can see Russia from my house!” Also, how do you use the “N” word as an adjective? Just sayin.

Did Rahm Emanuel speak inappropriately? Of course he did…isn’t that his m.o.? Should he be fired? Of course not. He’s a smart dude…but he’s human (although the infamous Hockey Mom may attempt to refute that?)

In this case, the R word should stand for RELAX!

To get involved with the Special Olympics, please go to:

The Special Olympics

Count the "R" Word on ANY SITE

The Plastic Surgery of Network Television

What is going on with the “executive management” in Network Television? That is the burning question one has to ask these days. Is it me, or are these people reeking havoc on the playground in our minds (you know, that area where space is as vast as our McDonald’s-eating muffin tops?) I guess the better question would be, “Does the playground in the minds of THOSE EXECUTIVES lack a ‘CURB YOUR DOG’ sign?”

Surprisingly, the recent magnitude 10 earthquake of Late Night Television here in America may have only been an after-shock! Just months before that, the careless mishandling of Paula Abdul ( America ’s most beloved judge) seems to be the catalyst that would reshape the landscape of television in 2010. No Conan? No Paula? Okay, more like just …NO PAULA? But what’s next, are they going to replace Bob Barker with some likable “what’s his name” with big glasses?

Well, if you’re like me (and I know you are) you poke around with the channel finder from time to time…and if you’re REALLY like me, you know…a voracious reality TV-Show whore, then of course American Idol is on your radar! Even if you’re in the closet about it (speaking of Ryan Seacrest, those viewer numbers CAN’T BE WRONG…he would never lie to us) the temptation to watch “Up with People on Steroids,” taunts that mindless playground of ours every Tuesday and Wednesday from February through to May. But this season the climate is as different as the ever-changing geography of Joan Rivers smile. How do we watch American Idol without Paula Abdul? Will the American Idol allegiance remain in tact, or has the face-lift of TV’s most successful talent show challenged its numbers as a result of bad executive decision making? Will they really let Ryan boast, “Last night, thanks to you, 175,000 votes were called in for tonight’s results?” Wait, my skin is crawling… I’ll be back… after the break!

So, Paula wanted a raise…big deal! Was it really that atrocious of a request? I mean c’mon, are you trying to tell me that Paula wasn’t worth every nickel she asked for? If for no other reason, did those execs forget the countless “oh no she ditn’t” reactions we were gifted? Let’s not forgot those gushing moments of parental pride and joy that Paula would pump into the throngs of mediocre talent over the years, much the same way we would encourage our three legged cocker spaniel to “give me your paw!” That alone warranted such a raise.

While some critics have cited that Ms. Abdul earned a wage most American’s would kill for in such difficult economical times, and that perhaps her ambitious request was typical of Hollywood self-indulgence, I’d like to remind those antagonists that most American’s don’t have the patina of Super-stardom that Abdul has sustained for over 25 years. Notwithstanding, prior to Ms. Abdul's involvement with American Idol, producers were unsuccessful in their attempts to secure a deal after approaching all the major networks. Nobody in the U.S. knew who Simon Cowell was in 2002. Nobody still knows who Randy Johnson is in 2010. Yet it was arguably Abdul’s credibility that changed the minds of Fox executives when they gave the greenlight to American Idol. So then, a raise (and a dwarfed one at that, when compared to Cowell’s salary) seemed appropriate and well earned to those of us who were left hanging in the balance after last seasons Finale: Will Paula leave or will she stay? Simple mathematics gave us blind faith, of course she’ll stay. Fox would never puncture a hole in the silicone fill of Primetime’s most successful implant! Or would they? Do the people that make these decisions even WATCH TV?

Now that the first phase of “Hollywood Week” or “Hell Week” (as some refer to it as) has come and gone on American Idol, we’ve been able to slightly gauge the contestant-friendliness of Paula’s replacement, the seemingly innocuous and incumbent talk show host/comedienne Ellen Degeneres. Will Degeneres degenerate (as many comics do) when removed from the confines of their little fish bowls? Will she flounder about…looking for that familiar plastic seaweed and colorful rocky flooring? That has yet to play itself out, since Hell Week is an edited portion of the reality series. We’re going to have to wait for the LIVE broadcasts before we’re able to provide a thorough and more realistic autopsy!

Nonetheless, I am aware of what goes on “behind the scenes” of this juggernaut (having been a guest for several seasons), and I also know that “Hollywood Week” is a very tense and revealing moment for so many of the hopeful contestants. But this time around, it was more revealing for many of us viewers. On Tuesday’s broadcast, Andrew Garcia (this season’s top hopeful contestant) broke out into a reworking of Paula Abdul’s MEGGAHIT, “Straight Up!” It blew the judges away…especially Kara! But when the camera panned to Degeneres, her reaction seemed to yelp, “I thought we agreed Paula Abdul would not be referenced while I’m on camera!” Well, for me, that was the defining moment…the moment that would discern reality from hearsay: Is Paula really not coming back? Mr. Garcia’s awesome rendition of Abdul’s classic mega hit was like salt in the wound of a Pop Culture gash! How did we let this happen? I sat there biting my nails (already down to the bone from the Super Bowl) waiting for Ellen to get up from her swiveling chair, and give it back to Paula (who had probably just gotten up briefly to wipe away the mascara from an earlier audition!) She is coming back…right? Paula? Stop playing with us! This is all just one big Primetime joke, right?

How did we let this happen? We should have been able to vote on this, no? Why not? We vote on everything nowadays. Just ask “The Insider’s” Lara Spencer…she’s always asking us to vote on things far less important, like whether or not Kate Gosselin’s hairstyle should swing up, or swing down! Look, I’m all for change, but if you’ve got the ocean, why settle for a pond? I’m just saying. Is it wrong that I miss Paula, of course it’s not wrong… it’s likely more of a “YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE” thing than anything else! Will I survive? The jury is still out on that one…but one thing I do know for sure; the bandages of the new season of “American Idol” have been removed …and at this point, Ryan Seacrest is looking more and more like Ed McMahon!