Can Friendship Be a Liability?

Recently, I was asked by a friend of my brother’s to play the piano at her wedding reception, several hundred miles north of where I live. This woman was the bride, as well as the party planner, so I replied to her with an approach that I felt was appropriate; one that was professional.  Being that I had only known this person casually (through my brother) I didn’t even know if she had brothers or sisters or if her mom and dad were still married, or even alive?  Get this; I didn’t even know that my brother had introduced her to her fiancé! We had been in each others company a few times.  Mostly those times were during tragic moments; at my moms funeral and then at another funeral of a mutual friend. She had been to see us perform a couple of times, but even then, it was only a brief encounter of “you were great” and “thank you for coming” idol pleasantries.  I had never dined with her, nor had we ever spoken on the phone (that I recall).  The few conversations we had were enjoyable enough for me to know that we could certainly engage in a friendship of our own, if the winds of fate took us there.  Well, I guess the winds of fate took us there…but they didn’t inform me.  What perfect timing for her. 

Since I am a professional musician, I charge a fee for my services. Not unlike the Baker, the Couture, the Rabbi or the Priest, the Chef, the Bartender, the wait staff…etc. a service is offered, a payment is rewarded.  It is always my practice to reduce my rate (drastically) when it is for a friend of my brother’s.  That way, when my friends’ need a great singer for something…he’ll reciprocate the favor!  I explained to the bride, that I was more than happy to offer her my services for a special fee because she is a friend of my brother’s. While there were no numbers ever mentioned, I did explain that I was sure she’d be happy with that rate.  I’m sensing you already know where this is going.  Well, it arrived.  I immediately received an email from the bride to be.  She was under the impression that she and I were friends as well, and that she had planned to take care of my travel and lodging and basically, that should be enough for any friend to do.

Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I had graduated to “friend” with this person (someone whose middle name I didn’t even know or if she had even been married before). Clearly, there were feelings disrupted…probably on both of our parts.  Although the icing on that wedding cake came when she informed me that my invite was essentially to accompany my brother who had already agreed to sing a song at her wedding.  I merely replied, “If that’s why I was being invited to your wedding, than I guess true intentions have defined our relationship!” After all, I never did receive one of those fancy wedding invites with white lace and promises!!! Nonetheless, I think the next time this person decides to foster a friendship she may wish to pick up the phone and call to say hello every now and again, or at the very least, share her middle name?

This idea of “friendship” really got me to thinking.  What then, is a friend?  What is an acquaintance? Are they different? Is it like flying First Class and Coach? Or is the separation of Friendship and Acquaintance more like First and Business (sometimes there is very little difference at all). The answer depends on whom your asking, I would suppose.

Webster defines a friend like this:   

  

¹friend

Pronunciation: \frend\

Function: noun

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion

I found Webster's definition to be quite fascinating, actually. How ironic (for me) that it uses the word “acquaintance” in the definition! Maybe the bride had looked this up prior to her email to me? She’s pretty darn thorough, if that was the case.

Like most powerful words, their meanings are subjective and they are largely based on who you’re asking.  For me, a friend is that person who will unceremoniously awaken “the me within" when I’m covering it up with layers of stuff that I am not! A friend will not only protect who I am, but they will do it without judgment, and they will do it with love and understanding and they will do it justly.  During those moments when I need to be heard, a friend will listen, but more importantly, they will hear...they will hear more than the words I’ve spoken.  That’s a friend to me. Someone who is present in their absence. That's a friend to me.  If I can not be all of that and much more to someone else, then I am not a friend to them.  Having a criteria with anything less, is short changing what every human being is entitled to embrace with friendship.  Don’t call me a friend if you don’t even know the most basic ingredients in my recipe! Get to know me…let me get to know you…let’s walk or wheel our way through this journey together on one common ground…that which enriches this experience we call life.  If we can accomplish that together, then sharing a slice of cake (in this case a wedding cake) will be that much more tasty!

What is a friend to you?