The Plastic Surgery of Network Television

What is going on with the “executive management” in Network Television? That is the burning question one has to ask these days. Is it me, or are these people reeking havoc on the playground in our minds (you know, that area where space is as vast as our McDonald’s-eating muffin tops?) I guess the better question would be, “Does the playground in the minds of THOSE EXECUTIVES lack a ‘CURB YOUR DOG’ sign?”

Surprisingly, the recent magnitude 10 earthquake of Late Night Television here in America may have only been an after-shock! Just months before that, the careless mishandling of Paula Abdul ( America ’s most beloved judge) seems to be the catalyst that would reshape the landscape of television in 2010. No Conan? No Paula? Okay, more like just …NO PAULA? But what’s next, are they going to replace Bob Barker with some likable “what’s his name” with big glasses?

Well, if you’re like me (and I know you are) you poke around with the channel finder from time to time…and if you’re REALLY like me, you know…a voracious reality TV-Show whore, then of course American Idol is on your radar! Even if you’re in the closet about it (speaking of Ryan Seacrest, those viewer numbers CAN’T BE WRONG…he would never lie to us) the temptation to watch “Up with People on Steroids,” taunts that mindless playground of ours every Tuesday and Wednesday from February through to May. But this season the climate is as different as the ever-changing geography of Joan Rivers smile. How do we watch American Idol without Paula Abdul? Will the American Idol allegiance remain in tact, or has the face-lift of TV’s most successful talent show challenged its numbers as a result of bad executive decision making? Will they really let Ryan boast, “Last night, thanks to you, 175,000 votes were called in for tonight’s results?” Wait, my skin is crawling… I’ll be back… after the break!

So, Paula wanted a raise…big deal! Was it really that atrocious of a request? I mean c’mon, are you trying to tell me that Paula wasn’t worth every nickel she asked for? If for no other reason, did those execs forget the countless “oh no she ditn’t” reactions we were gifted? Let’s not forgot those gushing moments of parental pride and joy that Paula would pump into the throngs of mediocre talent over the years, much the same way we would encourage our three legged cocker spaniel to “give me your paw!” That alone warranted such a raise.

While some critics have cited that Ms. Abdul earned a wage most American’s would kill for in such difficult economical times, and that perhaps her ambitious request was typical of Hollywood self-indulgence, I’d like to remind those antagonists that most American’s don’t have the patina of Super-stardom that Abdul has sustained for over 25 years. Notwithstanding, prior to Ms. Abdul's involvement with American Idol, producers were unsuccessful in their attempts to secure a deal after approaching all the major networks. Nobody in the U.S. knew who Simon Cowell was in 2002. Nobody still knows who Randy Johnson is in 2010. Yet it was arguably Abdul’s credibility that changed the minds of Fox executives when they gave the greenlight to American Idol. So then, a raise (and a dwarfed one at that, when compared to Cowell’s salary) seemed appropriate and well earned to those of us who were left hanging in the balance after last seasons Finale: Will Paula leave or will she stay? Simple mathematics gave us blind faith, of course she’ll stay. Fox would never puncture a hole in the silicone fill of Primetime’s most successful implant! Or would they? Do the people that make these decisions even WATCH TV?

Now that the first phase of “Hollywood Week” or “Hell Week” (as some refer to it as) has come and gone on American Idol, we’ve been able to slightly gauge the contestant-friendliness of Paula’s replacement, the seemingly innocuous and incumbent talk show host/comedienne Ellen Degeneres. Will Degeneres degenerate (as many comics do) when removed from the confines of their little fish bowls? Will she flounder about…looking for that familiar plastic seaweed and colorful rocky flooring? That has yet to play itself out, since Hell Week is an edited portion of the reality series. We’re going to have to wait for the LIVE broadcasts before we’re able to provide a thorough and more realistic autopsy!

Nonetheless, I am aware of what goes on “behind the scenes” of this juggernaut (having been a guest for several seasons), and I also know that “Hollywood Week” is a very tense and revealing moment for so many of the hopeful contestants. But this time around, it was more revealing for many of us viewers. On Tuesday’s broadcast, Andrew Garcia (this season’s top hopeful contestant) broke out into a reworking of Paula Abdul’s MEGGAHIT, “Straight Up!” It blew the judges away…especially Kara! But when the camera panned to Degeneres, her reaction seemed to yelp, “I thought we agreed Paula Abdul would not be referenced while I’m on camera!” Well, for me, that was the defining moment…the moment that would discern reality from hearsay: Is Paula really not coming back? Mr. Garcia’s awesome rendition of Abdul’s classic mega hit was like salt in the wound of a Pop Culture gash! How did we let this happen? I sat there biting my nails (already down to the bone from the Super Bowl) waiting for Ellen to get up from her swiveling chair, and give it back to Paula (who had probably just gotten up briefly to wipe away the mascara from an earlier audition!) She is coming back…right? Paula? Stop playing with us! This is all just one big Primetime joke, right?

How did we let this happen? We should have been able to vote on this, no? Why not? We vote on everything nowadays. Just ask “The Insider’s” Lara Spencer…she’s always asking us to vote on things far less important, like whether or not Kate Gosselin’s hairstyle should swing up, or swing down! Look, I’m all for change, but if you’ve got the ocean, why settle for a pond? I’m just saying. Is it wrong that I miss Paula, of course it’s not wrong… it’s likely more of a “YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE” thing than anything else! Will I survive? The jury is still out on that one…but one thing I do know for sure; the bandages of the new season of “American Idol” have been removed …and at this point, Ryan Seacrest is looking more and more like Ed McMahon!