The Boob Tube - Sunday Wrap

Last night was the Closing Ceremony of the Winter Olympics Games in Vancouver, B.C. Which number Olympics it was, I don't really recall.  It was a small one though, when you compare it to its Brother, the Summer Olympic Games (or sister, depending on which AA meeting you're at.)  This Sunday, however, all eyes were on the big hockey game that afternoon. That event was built up to rekindle the excitement of the "Miracle on Ice" from the Lake Placid games in 1980; however, while it was a decent game, the only comparison it shared was, well…it was the ice, really! 

After the U.S. got defeated by the Canadians in a tie-breaking 2-3 final, I started to gear my evening around the Closing Ceremony.  This would mean unplugging anything that would distract me from watching that portal to mediocrity, the boob tube! Telephones would be silenced.  Computers shut down. Even the blinds drawn, (yes, that’s how bad my ADD can get!) What do you want from me; it was a gorgeous moon out there last night!

Since I had been involved in a couple of Olympic ceremonies myself  (performing at the 2007 Closing Ceremonies of the Summer Games of the Special Olympics in Shanghai, China, and then performing again for the Special Olympics (and writing the song) for the Opening/Closing Ceremonies of the 2009 World Winter Games in Boise, I knew the work that was put into these glorious events.  Now if you're saying to yourself, the “Special Olympics” is not a comparison"...how wrong you are!  The event in Shanghai was in fact, equally as incredible and robust of a celebration as the Games that followed in Beijing.  Let's face it; the Chinese Government was on a mission to make a few social statements about their country.  Some critics have said, "They turned their people upside down (so that we could see them smile)".  I mean, after all, the Olympic Games definitely provides the perfect stage to showcase the very best of any country that wins the right to host it, so why not?   Whatever the motive, the Chinese had my attention...and they couldn't have been more gracious to me and my entourage. By the way, we landed in a monsoon, but that had nothing to do with their hospitality! Now I'm wondering if those critics might have been in a monsoon based on that harsh comment about being "upside down"! It sure does make you wonder. My point, however, was that the Special Olympics Ceremonies were equally as extravagant as any Olympics I had ever seen (much less, anything I  had ever been a part of).  So with all that in mind, I was eagerly looking forward to last nights Winter Olympics Closing Ceremony. 

Yes, we all got a chuckle from the opening segment, where a mime was seen parodying the awkward malfunction that delayed the lighting of the indoor cauldron at the opening ceremony. The mime was going through the motions of pulling the fourth arm of the massive cauldron from the floor of the BC Place as the audience members sat with obliging laughter.  It was clever, and it was perfect!  But (for me anyhow) it wasn't enough to prevent a wish that something like last weeks debacle would happen again.  At least it would be unpredictable, because the slow pace of this production had me nodding off.

From the Russian Choir to the oddly placed Michael J.Fox (hello...he's lived in the US for 30 years folks, he even told us! AWKWARD, party of one!) The Canadian's would probably have had better bragging rights if they featured a "Maple Leaf Coiffed" Lady Gaga. Nonetheless, there he was: American Actor, I mean Canadian born, Michael J. Fox... standing there on a stage with the roar of a standing ovation (for "Back to the Future"????) and murmuring words that could have been written by the gaffer from "The Electric Company." Okay, nothing against gaffers, by the way (or the EC) but seriously, couldn't they have written something a little more profound, or hilarious, or if nothing else, maybe a flashing 800 number for Muscular Dystrophy, or is it Multiple Sclerosis? Either would have been a better use of those 8 minutes! Don't get me wrong, I love me some MJF...who doesn't? I saw "Back to the Future" at least twice (okay the second time was on HBO when they ran movies, so maybe that doesn't count). But he rocks!  Oh, and who the F**k is Catherine O'Hara? Wasn't she in "Gone with the Wind"? How can she look that good if she was in that movie?  Okay, I get it, she’s Canadian.

Well, I held the lids up with toothpicks right until the awkward placement of a new show NBC decided they wanted to drop smack dab in the middle of the Closing Ceremonies!  WTF?  These are, after all, the geniuses that gave us "The Jay & Conan Train Wreck."  I'm pretty sure they are the same BOOBS in BOOB Tube. Nonetheless, this new show was no exception to the impeccable reputation of  this deformed breed of NBC honchos!  The program that these buffoons sliced the Closing Ceremonies of the Winter Games with was some lame (and I mean lame in the absolute nicest way), ridiculous, moronic and mindless brain child of Jerry Seinfeld. Clearly, this one got the green light because of who Jerry Seinfeld is...or can we now safely say, WAS?  

The Seinfeld creation is called, "The Marriage Ref." It’s about as painful as a Chevy Chase Talk Show...no, worse…Magic Johnson...no even worse than that ... Levi Johnson! This is the kind of shit that can (and WILL) bring down NBC (although, they really can't get down much lower). Keeping Saturday Night Live on another season is pretty low... sort of like waiting for George Burns to turn 100 just so we could say he did! By the way, wasn’t that a bit curious that George Burns passed right after he turned 100? Since we're going there, has anyone really seen Dick Clark in person?   Seriously though, this pile of pacadermy poo, is one of the worst shows in the history of TV! The premise involves a celebrity panel deciding who was "in the right" regarding issues involving MARRIED COUPLES and their disagreements.  In the premier episode, the first couple featured a GUIDO and his slave, I mean wife, from NY (naturally).  The husband had a dog that he had for a long time, but like all living creatures...it died.  I guess Mama's meatballs weren't enough! This guy needed to have that dog around ...even AFTER death. Guido couldn’t let go.  Against the will of his wife, the Bada Bing had it stuffed and mounted for display. This is where the celebs come in. 

The panel of “Celebatrysts” consisted of, Alec Baldwin (the chubby brother of at least a few good looking skinnier versions).  You know him, he's got MAD talent....and he's also the one that leaves his kid loving phone messages). Also on the panel was the perky and battery operated (Morning Side-kick of Regis Philbin), Kelly Rippa.  There's something wrong with her...remember, I told you here first.  Then of course, the permanent Jew with shpilkes in his Gunectagazoink, Jerry Seinfeld himself.  All I can say is (and I won't even give this show another mention after today) that it took 15 minutes away from my life and I'm pissed! I could have ...

This was my Sabbath? I was so farblondzhet!  I plugged everything back in (including the iron left on the ironing board!!!)   I needed to get back to the poison I enjoy…familiarity.  That meant, it was now time to watch the show I TiVo’d over the Olympics, "The Amazing Race!

After the first couple of minutes of the race, I wondered if I should just shut it off and watch it the next day instead.  As I sat there trying to understand the language spoken between Jeff and Jordan (are they even from this planet?), it dawned on me: this reminds me of making an Italian gravy; where you end up burning the tomatoes on the bottom of the pan (because you left it on medium-high too long) but you try to salvage the pot of glowing red stuff by removing all the black and charred scraps from the bottom!  The gravy is still red, so it must be okay, right? So you let it continue to cook for the remaining 2 hours. But alas, upon tasting it, your gravy has been violently transformed into the taste of burnt spaghetti sauce! Amazing how that happens, huh?  Well, not so amazing was The Amazing Race.  For me, it had turned into that burnt gravy.  It ultimately ended up being the cherry that topped off last nights BOREDOM BANQUET! I did everything I could just to hear the Aussie say, "You have been eliminated from the race!"  Now, if I could only remember who it was that was actually eliminated, that would be awesome! Unfortunately, the couple that got das boot were so forgettable...they could have easily been Weezy Jefferson and Clair Huxtable for all I knew because I wouldn’t have known the difference! 

The most important thing to me about last night (sadly) was saying goodbye to the Winter Olympics Games. I guess mostly because I knew that when I awoke the next morning, I would return to the normal Yahoo Front Page headlines.  This morning didn't disappoint with alternating headlines, Man finds game in basement worth $40,000 and 'You're So Vain' mystery rekindled ! Ah, the complacency of familiarity!